Yoga is new to me. As I had previously mentioned, I had dabbled in it and only truly began to feel connected with my practice as of recent. Until then, it was the elation and inspiration of movement, strength, and peace that motivated me to continue and to challenge myself with this goal. 

It was not until ten days into #FlowFebruary that my mood began to change. By change I mean it became “real”. I continued with my flows but the demands of work, the daily frustrations, and other interruptions were finally catching up to me – this is when the real work began. Early one morning after not having slept well, I begrudgingly made my way to the mat; bloated, tired, and tight I found it difficult to stay with my breath. My emotions began piling upon each other with every robotic movement of my barely awake body stiff with daybreak and uncoordinatedly floundering with the mere lift of a toe off the ground. Two sun salutations in – I was angry. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, my anger turned to disappointment. I felt as though I was failing yoga – this was supposed to be fun, peaceful, and harmonizing, yet my mind was blocked. Whatever I was doing did not feel like yoga; I was boxing with my mat. That is when suddenly I realized this was part of the work of yoga, this was my challenge. Our bodies and our temperaments are not steady, they are flowing like breath – this day I had more turbulent waters and that was ok. Rather than punish myself, I attempted to calm my mind and heart through my Pranayama despite my fumbling body. It brought tears to my eyes – I exhaled all the build up.

Many of us, self included, hold ourselves at such high standards that we may expect them to translate into all areas of life. When it comes to physical challenges, I truly trust my body to do the most that it can – it becomes a competition as I fully expect to excel. I felt so strong my first few weeks of yoga that I accidently contorted it into sport; I was going to win at yoga, I was going to the best, and I was going to progress faster than “anyone”. One bad day made me realize how much I had perverted the practice; my tears were the realization of several things. I realized that a) I was not perfect (we all “know” this, but some of us have a harder time coming to terms with this concept or much less saying it aloud), b) some things are harder than others, c) my emotional management could use work, and d) I must learn to be at peace with the components of the “moment” including all my feelings happy and angry. We often hear it from our teachers, “let go of all things not in this room”, “be in this room”, and “thank yourself for making it to the mat”.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Aha! Yoga “practice” – I knew, but I guess I really didn’t know.